Chestnuts, Canker Sores and Gallstones!

It’s a given: in every relationship, including the one with ourselves, we inevitably encounter seemingly irresolvable differences. An example within ourselves might be our desire for personal freedom v’s the need to belong and feel connected.

These are the Chestnuts, they feel impossible to crack and in some ways are the gifts that keep on giving!

They keep on giving, because they challenge us to keep listening and enquiring in to both sides of the conflict or difference.

There is art and effort in approaching and dealing with these ‘gifts.’

If we keep on scratching and picking at them they get chronically inflamed and turn into canker sores!

If we avoid them and bury them in the closet they end up as gall stones!

It is too easy to let them turn into the source of frequent disappointment, frustration and irritation, or cold, hardened resentment. All this can lead to passive aggressive behaviour, distancing or shut down and souring of a relationship.

What to do?

It’s not easy and there never is a good time. If the issue has freshly flared then we’re already triggered and our defences are up. It takes a lot of practice to tone these down and get curious, not furious.

When things are going well it doesn’t feel that appetising to raise some of these difficult and thorny conversations but usually this is a better time with more likelihood for openness and movement.

The first step is to take a more detached and philosophical attitude. It helps to take it less personally by remembering these conflicts and differences are inevitable with anyone we are sharing our lives with. Going for a walk and talk is a great approach because you’re not facing each other, you are in an open public space, and you are moving.

The key is maintaining a spirit of deeper enquiry, and sharing until there is a felt sense of understanding between you.

I supported a couple recently who were really stuck around mess.

Incidentally – sex, mess, and money are three big and typical chestnuts for couples and individuals!

You can guess one liked…needed things to be more tidy and organised. In a household things naturally get messy so the one with the greater tolerance was initially less affected until the tidy one got antsy! …and they were quite expressive and vocal about it!

Overtime this created a chronically inflamed and hardened pattern between them leading to much anguish and resentment on both sides.

It took quite a bit of time to support them to soften around the issue, but eventually they were able to open up and the tidy one acknowledged their relative inflexibility because of a high degree of innate sensitivity to mess and disorganisation. They expressed in a very moving and vulnerable way how it really affected them viscerally and scrambled their mind. Their partner was able to recognise and appreciate the genuine and deep truth they were expressing.

With this greater emotional understanding between them greater flexibility crept into their system and the partner felt more conscious and willing to act on the mess more often. Feeling more emotionally understood the tidy one was actually able to relax more. The issue didn’t completely go away because it rarely does… the differences between them remain, but attitudes softened considerably from deeper understanding, and it even became a source of humour between them at times. 

It takes a lot to soften around these chronic differences which impact our daily shared living conditions. Soaking that chestnut in kind, care filled attention, allowing it to soften and unfold, revealing its gifts – there is intimacy and connection Gold in there if we’re interested and can allow more space for curiosity and less for judgement.

Where do you fit on the tidy spectrum?

How has this shown up and affected your relationships?

How much do you know about your needs in this area and why is it you have these needs?