Let’s talk about sex!

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is something. It can be the canary in the coalmine.

Often sex was a major part of what fuelled our attraction and was good in the early stages - once we got past our initial anxieties and awkwardness ;) 

The thrill of being with someone new who you really like and desire and discovering maybe they really like and desire you is pretty atomically exhilarating! There is nothing quite like this cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals for our bodies! Mmmm remember those days! 😂…Yumm!

 So you may be in, or have been, in a situation where several years into a relationship things are markedly flatter and you crave to feel the intensity of your own desire and being the object of someone else’s again. Mmmm …what to do?? 

With flirting and affairs - unless it’s all out in the open and all relevant parties are agreed and consenting - the short term gains are usually outweighed by the long-term pains!

Good news is there is a better option.

 First thing is to recognise this is pretty on par for the course - desire is mostly fuelled by high stakes and novelty. Early stages of a new relationship are high stakes because of the risk and pain potential of rejection. We trade this over time gradually for familiarity, acceptance, comfort, stability and security. All good things, you could say, but it gets a little flat and boring. Seeing, being, and doing the same essentially becomes known, predictable and a bit ho hum.

Ok, so a simple remedy is to go out and do new things together - activities, travel, sex shops! ; )

Yes this can re-invigorate us creating novelty and new discovery of ourselves and our other. It’s one valuable avenue for keeping your relationship alive. Usually relatively easy to do and will give medium gains for medium effort. 

But there is some even better news but it’s not for the faint hearted!

You can turn up the desire even beyond what you had in the early stages of your relationship!

Got your attention!! Yep, but before we charge on, know this is high effort for high reward.

Emotional intimacy is the ultimate life blood for a relationship. It is where we get the high stakes and newness back however this time combined with a bit more solidness and stability which you’ve also worked hard for.

Emotional intimacy is created from revealing parts of ourselves that matter to each other. Remember the last time you had a true heart to heart. It might have been over something you disagreed about, or a hard time one or both of you was having, or something you felt really moved and cared about and shared. You may have even gone all out and decided to speak about something you have secretly been holding back for ages, too afraid of your partner's non-acceptance and rocking your calm and steady lives together.

If you did you may have re-discovered each other beyond your everyday known lives and selves. Yes it may have rocked your boat but if you still care enough about each other it may have challenged you to reach and embrace broader and deeper understandings of each other and this can be erotic.

That’s emotional connection/intimacy and you probably felt really close and quite possibly aroused at some point. If you did engage sexually it was probably more tender, full-hearted and full-bodied. You may have rediscovered your desires and meaning to each other - shedding the caked on everyday familiarity and predictability.

You may have felt less caring about your own and other’s bodies and more keyed in to desire and connection - noticing smells, signs of desire and arousal in facial expressions, fullness and softness of lips, enjoying each other's faces, eyes and kissing more as a focus and way of connecting.

If you have experienced something like this…taking the courage to bare your heart, this is deepening and enriching. If you don’t care so much about each other then this is feedback! You need to get along to the relationship Dr for a check up because your relationship heart is suffering!... neglect this and it will whither. :(

Building up the courage to share and bare your heart and soul is high stakes especially when you have woven your lives together. It’s helpful to air and share with a good friend who you can trust to be courageous and wise enough to be a balanced sounding board and not just take your side. It’s good to name this is what you want from the start. Remember its relationship work and takes two to tango.

Of course we typically hold these things back until the costs are out weighing the benefits of holding them in…choosing harmony over honesty. Unfortunately this leads to stagnancy, or stable misery, or more boiling conflicts and resentments. We are different, we are meant to be, it’s how we ‘cross pollinate’, it’s healthy for us, how we create friction and energy and eroticism! ; )

Imagine creating a culture in your relationship of regular heart to hearts…”How are you really going”?, “How are we going”? “What do you fantasise about, or want more or less of but are too afraid to ask”?

If all this feels too hard or uninspiring you might need a space to air and share more - freely discuss and work through your barriers and concerns. I am happy to support you with this in sessions at any time if you wish :